Are You Able To Say No To People ? Questions, Only Questions
When I look a little bit closer at my life and at the decisions I took, I come to the conclusion that most of my failures are due to my former disability to say No to people.
Meanwhile, I am of the opinion that this disability is one of the top reasons – if not the number one reason – why people don’t own their lives. So let’s discuss that a little bit further.
If you don’t have an issue with that, wonderful, congratulations. Perhaps you know someone who has…
What does that mean, own one’s life ? It means something else to everybody, but I would say that it is about autonomy of time, space, and energy including health and wealth.
We will never own our life unless we own our mind, feelings and thoughts. Can you subscribe to this general definition ?
So it’s about living the life we want, fulfilling our expectations and minding our businesses. It’s not about living other people’s lives, fulfilling their expectations and minding their businesses.
In order to be able to do that successfully, we need to be able to say “yes” only if and when we want to say “yes” and to say No if and when we want to say No, or even need to do so – and most importantly to feel good about our decisions regardless of the emotions other might have regarding our decision.
Other people’s emotions regarding your decisions are none of your business.
It’s not only about big decisions, it’s also about little everyday decisions.
Let’s assume that you are in a home-based business and are writing a blog post at the moment.
1. The phone is ringing, you see on the display that it’s your mum. What do you do ?
2. The door bell is ringing, it’s your best friend asking if you’ve got “only five minutes”. What do you do ?
Let’s assume you’re working a day job and decided to start a home-based business part-time in the evening and at night.
1. Your non-entrepreneurial friends are asking you if you go out with them to cinema. You know that you definitely don’t have the time, so what happens if you tell that you don’t have time ?
2. Your kids and/or your spouse are bothering you when you ought to sit in front of the computer and connect to people on Facebook. How do you react ? How do they react if you say “no” ?
Let’s assume, you decide to stop smoking. What are your smoker friends saying if you refuse the cigarette they offer you ?
Let’s assume, you decide to spend less money on eating out. You’re friends are asking if you want to eat out with them “as usual”. How do they react if you say No to the usual routine ?
And if you say No in one of the situations above, are you able to do so politely and with confidence and – most importantly – to feel good about your No ?
Each coin has to two sides. So how do you react if others say “no” to you ? Do you let others live their lives ? Do you feel bad if you get a “no” ?
Don’t expect others always to say “yes” only because you are unable to say “no”. The law of attraction doesn’t work that way.
Please get me right: It’s not about saying No automatically (that’s also not good either), it’s about not saying “yes” automatically.
If you feel that you have an issue with that, please stay tuned for tomorrow’s post “Are you able to say NO to people – our kids…”
What is your opinion ?
I always love your feedback, so please leave me a comment down below with questions, thoughts, or feedback.
And (yes, here’s my call to action) please share this post with your Twitter and Facebook friends by clicking on the share buttons below. I appreciate you telling others.
To a prosperous life,
Oliver Tausend
+49 1512 9125216 (Germany/outside US)
+1 201 984 5664 (US)
Skype ID: guernsey2016
wordpress@olivertausend.com
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Alright Oliver. I can see your point. It can be really really really hard to say No. I think many people are unable to do that, especially to people too close to them. However, I agree that afterall it’s our Own life
. I’m gonna learn that 
I’m going to look forward to your next post.
Ding Neng recently posted..Use These 14 Simple Tactics To Power-Launch Your New Blog!
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 16:41
Hi Ding Neng,
we have to learn it, and we can learn it. Stay tuned for posts to come, I’ve got some ideas.
Thanks for your comments.
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Oliver, great post my friend. You have to decide is it worth hanging out with kids more than living the life of your dreams? So many people say they want the lifestyle but just don’t want to put in the time it really takes. My advice is find friends who want what you want and mastermind with them.
Aaron Decker recently posted..Is your Facebook Profile hurting your chances of people finding you
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 16:40
Hi Aaron,
I totally agree with you: Find friends you can mastermind with. The trouble is that this process of losing old friends and finding new friends might not always be simultaneous. So fear sets in: I’d rather keep my old friends until I have new ones. Fear holds them back.
Thanks for your comment.
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Twitter: marcus_baker
says:
Hi Oliver,
Interesting post this – thank you.
Sometimes it can be challenging saying “no” to people because we think we might hurt their feelings but by being untrue to ourselves we are in fact saying “no” to ourselves and that is not self love.
It does matter how we say “no” to others but if we do so with care and compassion and people still battle with this, it is actually their own issue and not ours and we have no reason to feel bad or guilty at all.
~Marcus
Marcus Baker recently posted..How To Achieve Daily Success in Your Network Marketing Internet Business in 5 Easy Steps
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 16:38
Hi Marcus,
thanks for your comment. It’s a lot about how we say it, there you hit the nail on its head. But when I learned to say “no” when I wanted to say “no” – it wasn’t always that polite, I have to admit. It’s also a learning process and we have to start somewhere. Thanks also for digging my post
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Twitter: prfuller
says:
I have many friends who are programmed to say “no” to their kids. I see it all the time.
But I never thought of myself as being programmed to say “yes”.
I do think I am fairly balanced in my answers of “yes” or “no” and I usually do not feel guilty either way, but I think it is important to sit down and take a good hard look.
Thought provoking post Oliver, thanks.
Peter Fuller MBA recently posted..Does Your Home Business Make You Feel Uncomfortable
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 21:40
Hi Peter,
thanks for your comment and congratulations for being balanced here and in peace and harmony with yourself. It’s OK to say “no” to kids, in most cases they are well intended. But we need to increase the number of yes’s in order not to hurt their confidence.
Come back soon and take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Oliver, as always, a post that gets me thinking!
I was told once by my wife that it does not matter whether you say “yes” or “no” to a question asked of you – but rather it’s the length of time you take to answer that is most important!
The thinking behind this is that the longer the time the more the person who asked the question is going to be getting more uncomfortable as they perceive that their question is “putting you on the spot”.
So, to save face with the question asker, whatever you answer, make your decision quickly!
Stay inspired!
Michael
Michael B Wilbraham recently posted..How Video eMail Marketing Can Boost Your Branding Efforts!
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 21:37
Hi Michael,
the conclusion to make decisions quickly in order to save the asker’s face, was a little bit surprising to me – at first sight at least – I have to admit. But if I think about it, there is a certain truth to it. Absolutely.
Thanks for adding an awesome new thought to my existing thoughts.
Come back soon and take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Twitter: AnaTrafficCafe
says:
What it comes down to for me is priorities.
Without priorities in life it’s hard to say a definite yes or no.
However, if you’ve got your priorities straight, then you weigh your circumstances and base your decisions according to that.
I love it when you said “your wife and kids are bothering you”, Oliver:). Priorities?
Thanks for food for thought.
Ana Hoffman
Ana | Traffic Generation Cafe recently posted..How To Rank Well For Your Inner Pages
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 21:27
Hi Ana,
thanks for your comment. That is true: Priorities are crucial when it comes to decide whether we want to say “yes” or “no”. When we’ve got our priorities, a “no” can also mean “not at the moment”. Especially for home-based business owners, Susanna Hess had an amazing idea in one of her recent posts: –> Saying “no” can be fun and respectful for anyone, especially in family life.
Come back soon and take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Hey Oliver,
Sometimes in life we must say ‘No’ whether it hurts the other persons feeling. I don’t know what is it that folks are so terrified of the word ‘No’. I love it when I receive a ‘No’ it just keeps me pushing forward.
Chat with you later…
Josh
Josh Garcia recently posted..What Everybody Ought to Know About Video Marketing
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 21:34
Hi Josh,
what holds people back to say “no” ? Some unpleasant or sometimes terrifying childhood memories and fear related to them, for example.
Thanks for your comment and take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Hey Oliver, great topic that everyone can identify with and one would think it’s only a matter of saying yes or no. Simple Right? Truth is, whatever choice we make or whatever answer we choose it should be our own and not someone else’s choice for us. We should be strong in our choices, mind our own business and respect others choices as well. All this takes practice and we will make some wrong choices along the way and that’s OK too. As long as we learn from them and keep moving forward. Be blessed!
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 9th, 2010 at 21:32
Hi Stephane,
I embrace the idea of not being perfect: We need practice and we are going to make our mistakes on our way. I basically don’t want to attract more mistakes than necessary
Thanks for your comment and take care
Oliver
[Reply]
My Friend Oliver,
I get asked every day to do different things, my friends, my wife, may family. There are times that I have to say “no” or actually tell them all the other things that I have to get done before I can “play”. I had been scared to lose some of my friends but many are proud of my desire to be different and not “swallow the pill” that keeps us all going like little droids. Many of them wish they had the desire and guts to do something about it also, my wife and family are the same way for the most part. I do feel bad though sometimes when my wife and I are in the house all day together and we see each other for maybe 2 hours. She understands and supports me though, I guess the thing that we really need to think about is: If they really care and support us they will undersand. I know this is much easier for adults to understand, or is it??????
As always thank you for the great post.
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 11:43
Hi Robert,
thanks for sharing your personal insights with us. Congratulations that you created yourself a tolerant or even supportive environment. I think it should be easier for adults to understand, but it’s tough for us nevertheless, at least emotionally.
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
hey Oliver,
I am a big advocate of living your own life and I never even thought about what you’re saying here. It makes a lot of sense though.
I think a lot of people are limiting themselves because they really struggle with this.
My take on this, as well as any other adversity is, it’s not a prediction of your future unless you let it be.
Have an awesome day,
Jerome Ratliff
Jerome Ratliff recently posted..Is Old School Network Marketing Dead
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 11:39
HI Jerome,
thanks for your comment. Yes, it is self-limiting it we don’t do others and ourselves and the universe as ah whole a favour if we’re constantly limiting ourselves.
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Twitter: steveshoemaker
says:
Oliver very nice topic.
And one I struggle with especially with the non-entrepreneurial friends.
They just can’t understand why a lot of times I can’t take a night off or break away from the computer to hang out it takes discipline.
It’s not about automatically saying no your right but it is about staying on course for your future.
What they fail to realize sometimes is when these efforts pay off and they will they may see more of me than they intended!
Say no to failure,
Steve Shoemaker
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[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 11:38
Hi Steve,
thanks for your comment and your honesty that you too are struggling with that, just like myself still and many others. We are not trained to say “no” – and we can learn it once we have that awareness that this disability stands between our status quo and the life we dream of.
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Hi Oliver,
I used to have a hard time saying no to people ,so much in fact that someone bought me a tape series. LOL
It is important to set boundaries, otherwise we start to feel angry, resentful, and may lash out, or swing the pendulum the opposite way too much.
Thanks
Neil
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[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 11:33
Hi Neil,
oh yeah, the swinging pendulum, I totally can relate to that. The longer you wait until you say “no”, the more inadequately you’re going to say “no”, sooner or later.
Thanks for your comment.
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
This is a powerful post to me because I use to say yes to my “friends” a lot just so I can fit in and not feel guilty. But then I came to realize is if whatever it was they were trying to get me to do was beneficial to me. If I said “no” then were they going to try to make me feel guilty about it.
Then you have to question how great of a relationship you have with your peers and family. Is it an “every man for themselves” relationship or is it a relationship we we all help and benefit from each other.
You got me thinking on this one Oliver
Great post
Sherman
Sherman Smith recently posted..IT’S NOT SALES- IT’S NETWORK MARKETING!!
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 11:32
Hi Sherman,
yes, guilt is often the means others use to manipulate us, but if we hadn’t the guilt button or didn’t present it to them willingly, they wouldn’t have any power to manipulate us.
Thanks for your sharing your experiences.
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Twitter: stephensheather
says:
Hi Oliver!
Great post. I have really struggled with No. It seems like I’m always getting asked to volunteer for things with the kids. Because I’m a work at home mom and my time is flexible, I will frequently “justify” it that I can squeeze it in. Toward the end of the last school year, I found myself so overwhelmed that I wasn’t doing my best at really anything nor was I enjoying anything either.
I felt a lot of mommy-guilt that if I say No to these volunteering things, am I showing my kids that they’re not important to me? I finally came to the conclusion that by saying No, I’m empowering my kids to say no to things that don’t fit into their goals and plans as well. It was a personal development journey to get here, but I’m so looking forward to a school year without as many commitments!
Great post!
Heather
Heather C Stephens recently posted..The No Traffic Obstacle- A Beginning Bloggers Guide to Get Over It!
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 11:30
Hi Heather,
basically, if you want things getting done, your time isn’t as flexible as it seems. It’s all about proper scheduling, so that we have a lot of spare time for our kids and family. You hit the nail on its head that you’re empowering your kids to say “no” if you are able to say “no” – and are a positive role model for that. Your kids are blessed with a great mom.
Thanks for sharing.
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Hi Oliver,
This post reminds me of the movie “Yes Man” with Jim Carey where he makes a covenant to say Yes to everything, after going to a self empowerment seminar. But when he finally says “No” it seems his world starts tumbling down around him. Later he finds out it’s not about saying yes all the time, but to be open to opportunities that come his way, and to say no to things that are against his values.
Sometimes, we need to make decisions that are in our own best interests and not try to please other people all the time. After all, we can’t empower others if we cannot empower ourselves.
Great post,
Wayne
Wayne Wu recently posted..How to get Quick Results in MLM before Frustration Sets In!
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 11:27
Hi Wayne,
great comment, thank you. The trouble with “yes-sayers” is that they might be saying “no” – when it comes to real opportunities. Another concern is that “nay-sayers” aren’t very popular. Great conclusion in your comment:”After all, we can’t empower others if we cannot empower ourselves.”
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Hi Oliver
A great post. I always thought it was just women who had a problem with this but of course it is not.
When I worked in an office situation with staff I used to often finish my day and having done nothing off my “to do” list. I had spent my day reacting to other people’s questions, problems etc.
Now that I work at home I have people think I am on holidays and dropping in. I am very aware of my days disappearing and me not being on my agenda. I am making a very concerted effort to do the important things for me first.
A great post – thanks Oliver.
Sue
Sue Price recently posted..Is There a Time to Gracefully Retreat
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 11:25
Hi Sue,
yeah, it seems that working at home isn’t considered as working ( and it is definitely a different type of working, good luck). At the end of the day, when we are suffering ourselves, we don’t do others a favour.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Hy Oliver,
You hit a basically unavoidable topic that we should discuss deeper. I agree how often do we say “yes” to something/someone where we actually don´t even want to do it or we just don´t have the necessary time? This happens too often so it´s time to slow down a bit and rethink our decesions. Unfortunately we are confirming something because we obviously don´t want to hurt the other person so we convince ouselves that we “must” say yes, but this is inappropriate. Why should we say “yes” to something, when we have more important things on our “to-do list”. The answer is mostly just to socialize, hide our emotions, and the inability to say “no”.
We should change our perspective dramatically when we really want to succeed!
Have an amazing day and keep up the great posts,
Gerald
Gerald Gigerl recently posted..The “Predictable Path“ To Increase Your Results Up To 200 With This Mindset Secret…
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 11:22
Hi Gerald,
one motivational of saying “yes” is the need to feel important. To realize that others get along well without their help, is hard to endure for some type of folks.
Thanks for your comment.
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Hey Oliver,
Reading your post made me think of a Zig Ziglar quote,
“The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want the most for what you want now”
What do you want most, the approval of other people, friends or not, or the satisfaction of creating the lifestyle you want?
No brainer if you ask me.
Mike
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[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 22:35
Hi Michael,
the approval of others of others is primarily a subject of “instant gratification” rather than “delayed gratification!. Thanks for bringing up that awesome quote.
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Twitter: MavisNong
says:
Hey Oliver,
Great post as usual, thank you.
It’s all about knowing what you want and setting priorities. Again it’s not easy to say ‘no’ to people close to you. So, you have to weigh the circumstances at the time.
Look forward to your next posts!
All the best,
Mavis Nong
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 22:31
Hi Mavis,
thanks for your comment. As usual, I’m glad you are able to relate to the subject matter. Orientation is king, and priorities like Ana wrote in her comment.
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Hi Oliver,
You got something interesting topic here huh? For me personally saying “no” especially to my wife and daughter is hard or I really can’t say NO to them because I love them so much especially if that involves time. But I can say NO easily to friends now especially if they invite me to a drink from the moment I had my own family. Before when I was still single, saying no to them was hard too… lol So I’m excited to your next post
Sonny Lanorias recently posted..3 Common Reasons Why 95 of Network Marketers Fail In Their Business
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 22:30
Hi Sonny,
thanks for your comments. I myself would also rather say “no” to my friends than to my family, I mean it’s the natural choice, isn’t it ?
Sounds that you handle this question properly, don’t you ?
Thanks for your comment and take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Hi Oliver I’d advise you to never let a direct sales rep do a presentation to you!! lol
I think most of us are programmed to feel guilty at directly ‘rejecting’ other people’s impositions- especially when it concerns family – and on some level this allows us to become manipulated.
There is an alternative of course… it’s called the white lie! Sorry I’d love to go to the opera but my dog the to go to the vet…blah, blah
Viel Spaß!!
Cheers Kiaran
kiaran recently posted..Wake up and Smell the Roses-Coffee-Chocolates-The Life Balance Paradox
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 22:25
Hi Kiaran,
yes sir, it’s about feeling guilty, that’s what I think too. Robert Kiyosaki recommends to say “I have to ask my partner.” – doesn’t matter if the partner only is a cat
Thanks for your comment
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Twitter: TristramLodge
says:
Hi Oliver,
Sometimes you just have to say “no”. I find myself saying to my 1 year old all the time at the moment! Saying no to some people can upset them but that’s though if you’re doing for the right reasons. Thanks for sharing this very interesting topic.
Tristram Lodge
Tristram Lodge recently posted..5 Tips For Your WordPress Post
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 10th, 2010 at 22:22
Hi Tristram,
I know all your “no”s are well intented. We need to say “no” in order to protect our kids. There’s one way out: Don’t change the numbers of “no”s – just dramatically increase the number of yes’s.
Thanks for your comment and take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Hi Oliver,
I’m the person that can hardly say ‘NO’ to anything particularly to people who ask for a favor. I love to help people in any way but sometimes we got to realize that saying Yes to everything can an will affect us in one way or another. I’ve noticed when I ask for a favor either to my family or a friend and they say NO as an answer I get kinda of upset sometimes.
Thanks for sharing such an important topic and teaching me a lesson
Keep up the great work!
Katherine
Katherine Droguett recently posted..If you register your site for free at
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 11th, 2010 at 16:29
Hi Katherine,
thanks for your initial comment on my blog, very much appreciated. It’s OK to say “yes” if we want to and if we have the time and the energy to fulfill the favour we’re asked for. That’s someting that everybody only can decide individually.
Come back soon and take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Hi Oliver,
Great discussion, you have to look at the advantages and disadvantages, then decide who’s interest or what benifits are there in the yes or no.
Once you figure it out then decide. do not try to please others and sell yourself short.
Once again great topic.
Kelvin
Kelvin Edmund recently posted..Getting Started With Autoresponder
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
August 11th, 2010 at 14:53
Hi Kelvin,
thanks for your comment. I’m glad you enjoyed my post.
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Hey Oliver,
Thats a great way to look at it to saying yes to life. One way to look at it is how your decision is going to benefit you and others in the long run. At least thats how I look at it.
Sometimes you have to say no just for the sole purpose of being the best decision for that point of time, as well as saying yes.
This was a great topic and look forward to more like this.
Happy New Year!
Sherman
Sherman Smith recently posted..SEO Do You Really Know What It Is
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
January 3rd, 2011 at 13:56
Hi Sherman,
thanks for stopping by and adding value to my post. If we say “NO”, the other person will find another solution. That’s the bottom line.
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Oliver great information. It sometimes takes us many years before we truly understand who we are and are only then able to realize who we want in our lives, who we want to do business with and so many other decisions.
That though is what life is all about, learning and growing.
[Reply]
Oliver Reply:
June 22nd, 2011 at 14:48
Hi Joseph,
thanks for your comment. It’s a tragedy that so many people lost their no, towards themselves and towards others.
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Hi Karen,
thanks for your comment. You nit the nail on its head. Understanding is very important
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]
Hi Robert,
thanks for your comment. Indeed, we have to be able to live with our decisions and no one else.
Take care
Oliver
[Reply]